There’s no denying that there are an unwieldy number of bowl games these days. It seems like every year, in an attempt to stand out from the pack, bowls are coming up with weirder and weirder things to pour over the heads of the victorious coach.
The Gatorade shower is a relatively young phenomenon. Multiple sources claim that the first instance occurred on October 28, 1984 when New York Giants tackle Jim Burt dumped a bucket of the orange-flavored stuff on Bill Parcells. Nearly four decades later, Vegas takes prop bets on the color of the poured Gatorade at the conclusion of the Super Bowl.
Today, college football is where you’ll find the real innovators in coach-soaking. The Famous Idaho Potato Bowl famously dumps french fries atop the winning team’s leader. Tony The Tiger himself supplies the Frosted Flakes for the Sun Bowl. And this year the Gatorade pour takes it’s greatest leap forward when one poor Carolina gentleman will be doused with mayonnaise in the Duke’s Mayo Bowl.
I say: why stop there?! Every single bowl game should start dumping weird stuff vaguely related to the game on any person standing on the sideline wearing a headset. I’ve already done the difficult work of thinking, all you need to do is source the materials and find a couple big boys to lift the thing.
The Bahamas Bowl
Soak the coach in: Rum
Rum as we know it today was first distilled on sugarcane plantations in the Caribbean in the 17th century. As the Bahamas Bowl is the first game of the college bowl season, I can’t think of a better way to start the party than 10 gallons of Bacardi.
The Tailgreeter Cure Bowl
Douse him in: Orange juice, extra pulp
The Cure Bowl is sponsored by an odd company called Tailgreeter that claims to “connect you with the best tailgates at every game.” Imagine walking up to some people in the parking lot outside Jordan-Hare and saying “Hey I found you on an app can I borrow a beer for 10 minutes.” The game is in Orlando, so fill that cooler up with extra pulpy orange juice and let it rip.
The PUBG Mobile New Mexico Bowl
Dunk coach in: Red and green chile sauce
If you ever find yourself at a restaurant in New Mexico, you’re likely going to be asked the official state question: “Red or green?” The state is famous for the Hatch chiles that flavor everything from enchiladas to cheeseburgers. There’s no reason to ask the New Mexico Bowl’s winning coach though, I say we just dump one bucket of each color sauce on him so everyone gets what they want.
The Easypost Hawai’i Bowl
Poor coach gets poured with: poi
Poi is a staple food in Polynesia, made from pounding and cooking mashed taro until it reaches an incredibly viscous consistency. This alternative shower serves two purposes: poi is rich in carbohydrates and vitamin A, which could serve as a great refueling snack after a strenuous football game. The second reason is because imagining an adult man covered head to toe in poi is very funny to me.
The R+L Carriers New Orleans Bowl
Give coach a bucket of: gumbo
I don’t think I need to elaborate here. Teams would be intentionally throwing games late-season to earn a bid to the bucket-of-gumbo game.
The AutoZone Liberty Bowl
Saturate that man in: motor oil
Despite not taking place within 1,000 miles of the Liberty Bell for over 50 years, they insist on still calling this game the Liberty Bowl. As punishment for the hubris of mankind, the winning coach of this game gets dunked in the freshest motor oil AutoZone can supply.
The TaxSlayer Gator Bowl
Drench the coach in: swamp water with a live gator
Imagine the circumstances that would lead you to spend New Year’s Eve in Jacksonville, Florida watching Rutgers play Wake Forest in a football game. Few people have the mental capacity to handle such misery. I’m sure the promoters of the TaxSlayer Bowl have struggled with that notion, which is why I’ve provided a solution that will instantly sell 15,000 more tickets: after the game the coach of the victor will wrestle an adolescent alligator at midfield.
The PlayStation Fiesta Bowl
Hit ‘em with a tub of: Playstation 5 consoles
If you have tried to purchase a Playstation 5 before, you’re likely aware of the console’s limited availability which has become a source of frustration for gamers worldwide. With the vast amount of money Sony has to sponsor one of the premier bowl games of the college football season, I say they set aside 10 to 20 consoles and dump them on coach after the game, then invite fans down onto the field to scavenge for PS5s like the world’s most expensive piñata.