Seth Meyers and Jimmy Fallon cancelled their week of shows on Tuesday after both tested positive for Covid-19, leaving Stephen Colbert as the only late-night host on the air, as Trevor Noah and Jimmy Kimmel remain on holiday.
Meyers and Fallon join the over one million new cases of Covid reported in the US on Monday – a record high, though case reporting was delayed because of the holiday weekend. “See, it’s not really that bad,” Colbert said. “It’s like when an exterminator says, ‘don’t worry, a thousand rats didn’t just move into your breakfast nook. It was just one rat, who gave birth over the weekend to a thousand rats.’”
The Omicron fifth wave of Covid has forced school districts in Newark, Milwaukee, Cleveland and Atlanta to shift back to remote learning. “No! I long for the good ole days when our kids could safely go to school to butt-chug tide pods,” the Late Show host joked.
“Obviously this is a big strain on parents,” he continued, as some were given just hours of notice for the school closures. “Parents need emergency childcare help now,” he said. “I am calling on the federal government to release our strategic reserve of mothers-in-law. You know their motto: ‘I see you’re too busy to empty the bathroom trashcan …’”
Nevertheless, Colbert continued, certain Republicans continue making idiotic comments about Covid, such as Senator Ron Johnson of Wisconsin, who told a radio show on Monday: “Why have we assumed that the body’s natural immune system isn’t the marvel that it really is? Why do we think that we can create something better than God in terms of – in terms of combating disease?”
“OK, yes, I get it – God created our immune systems. He also created Ron Johnson, so he has been known to shank it,” Colbert responded. “So he raises the question: does the Lord want you to have the vaccine? I don’t know, but take Ron Johnson’s advice, and you might have a chance to ask God face to face.”
And in other news, Apple became the first company in history to reach a $3tn market value on Monday – larger than the gross domestic products of Britain and India, and more valuable than all of the world’s cryptocurrencies “but not even half as annoying”, said Colbert.
The California-based company has been on a steep growth trajectory in recent years, hitting the $1tn valuation in 2018, then $2tn in 2020 and a year and a half later, $3tn. “Hopefully, with that kind of cash, they can finally afford to fix that bite in their logo,” Colbert quipped.